The Comparison Trap
It's an unnerving feeling when you come to the realisation that you are doing yourself a great injustice that is only causing you pain and even worse limiting you from achieving what you want. I've experienced this feeling hitting me like a wet fish across the cheek whilst making all sorts of self-discoveries... or more importantly accepting the discoveries, that have had me self-sabotaging and hindering my progress.
Although I have come a long way, I had fallen back into the trap of looking at others and thinking... 'Wish I had of thought of that"; "Oh no I was too slow off the mark with that idea... what's wrong with me"; or " Oh god they do that so well (especially when it came to writing), how will I ever get the message out there." GOD! I was doing my head in... then I would have to have one of THOSE 'Now listen here..." conversations. ARGHHHHH. There were times I though I might be going a bit loopy?
Nah, I'd fallen head first into that wretched comparison trap....
How much time is wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we're not, or wishing for something that we 'think' we need or would like? Each of us is our own unique person, with our individual strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you truly accept everything you are and have - or aren't and haven't got- that you will be truly happy and successful in life. You know the old saying about the grass being greener on the other side... Most times it isn't. It's greener where you water it!
Have you ever been in a race, actually in the lead, when that little voice in your head all of a sudden starts chattering away, questioning how close your opponent is? You think to yourself, ‘I’m winning … I’ll just take a quick peek.’ You take your ‘peek’ and before you know it, your opponent passes you and pips you at the post!
Or perhaps your at school or daycare dropoff, a busy morning ahead (or not), and there also dropping off her children is 'Cindy'. Oh yes here comes 'Cindy' in all her glowing glory. Tall, slim, perfect hair and makeup. Looking totally glam in her skinny jeans and high heels.... How does she even walk in them! Her kids are so good! OMG have you seen her husband?!!! Drop dead gorgeous! And then the clincher "Wish I looked that fabulous; if only MY kids were that good; shame MY husband wasn't all Brad Pitt like and helpful!"
How do those drives home or to work go when you're in this headspace? I’m guessing you’re so focused on what ‘Cindy’ is doing that you fail to deliver to the world the ‘real’ version of you. I’m referring to what it is that you do to yourself later! Do you berate yourself for not doing/being/having that 'perfect life' like Cindy? How good do you feel about yourself when you do this? I'm guessing pretty crappy.
It doesn't matter what the situation, there are thousands, comparison at ANY TIME will absolutely do your head in. Let's face it you wouldn't go comparing apples to oranges would you? Comparing yourself to others is doing exactly the same thing! The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion we experience. Comparing yourself to others is an
UNCHECKED ACT OF FEAR FROM THE EGO
Your ego, by the way, is that little ranting voice inside your head constantly trying to make you feel bigger and better than everyone else – the judgmental factor! The problem with this pattern of behavior is that if done often enough, it will eventually erode self-confidence and self-esteem; it is a waste of time; it can be exhausting to the point of burning yourself out; yep, there I was. And in the extreme, can lead to anxiety and depression. Thankfully I saw the light before this stage, but sadly many don't.
Unfortunately, when we compare ourselves, what we actually do is COMPARE OUR WORST TO SOMEONE ELSE'S BEST. It turns life into a competition (I’m not saying competition is bad, only when it’s a competition about life), where scarcity rules, and this can become de-motivating and debilitating.
Your gifts and talents, your successes, contributions and worth are entirely UNIQUE to you and your own PURPOSE in life. Therefore, you can never truly compare yourself to others – because there are no two people on earth the same is there?
Comparison places your focus on the wrong person. You waste precious time and energy focusing on other peoples lives rather than your own. As well, comparisons can result in resentment towards others as well as ourselves. This will deprive us of joy, add an unnecessary source of anxiety or stress, and add little or no value, meaning, or fulfillment to your life. Getting caught in the comparison trap will only
DISTRACT YOU FROM LIFE
Each day we are dealt 86,400 seconds, using even one second to compare yourself or your achievements, to others is time you are wasting that you will never recoup. The amount of focus and energy you put into this practice is NEVER going to improve the situation. The only life you can control is YOURS, and you have 100% control over it. The comparison trap will rob you not only of time, focus, and energy it will also ebb away at the motivation you can harness to becoming the best version of yourself that you can be.
Whether you’re a performer, artist, teacher, athlete, businessperson, student, or parent, you have a unique perspective backed by your own unique experiences, talents and beliefs. And what I mean by that is you already have what you need to accomplish your goals in your world. With opportunity squarely in front of you, become acutely aware of your past successes. Find motivation in them to pursue more. Be prepared to step up and take the reigns.
To do this, think of a specific time in your life when you were successful/ confident/ happy (whatever positive emotion your choose) – what did you see, how did you feel, what did you tell yourself… bring that feeling of success/confidence/happiness into the NOW and let that feeling ‘FILL YOU’. This is a simple process you can use and it will give you limitless access to the positive emotions you may find yourself in extra need of in any number of situations.
Remember nobody is perfect (perfection is a complete fallacy!). We live in a world that glamorizes ‘perfection’ and it’s important to remember that one snapshot in time never tells the whole story. And here’s the thing… no matter how or what you do; no matter how many hours you put into mastering your craft, it’s most likely that someone… somewhere… at some time… will still be better than you… so why would you insist on measuring your success by comparing yourself to others? Because at the end of the day, it’s their life, this is your life and your goal is to be the BEST version of YOU – NOT someone else!
Here are some tips to overcome the comparison trap:
* RECOGNISE the problems and ill-effects in comparing yourself to another
* Become acutely AWARE of your own success, no matter how small
* Give daily GRATITUDE – it’s one of the most empowering practices you can develop
* Remind yourself that NOBODY IS PERFECT
* Find INSPIRATION without comparison
* Change your BODY LANGUAGE – it automatically changes the way you feel. Stand tall,
look up and smile! Take a few deep breaths.
* CELEBRATE who you are – enjoy the pride and feelings of achievement and success
* FOCUS on yourself – become the best version of you
* Maintain a strong BELIEF in your inherent talent s and strengths
* BE KIND to yourself
Give yourself permission to take back the power to succeed and feel happy and stretch yourself to your own limits and beyond as you grow. Remember the only person keeping score on how you compare to others is you. Write your own script for your life and create that.
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