The Changing Tides
Sharing a blog post I wrote several years ago now, but the message is still very pertinent today, and despite my circumstances of these changing tides, I am sure there are many women who can identify with the feelings, actions and realisations that resulted from these events...
2017: Today sitting at my desk, and write with a nervous trepidation. This, I think, is the most challenging blog I have, to date, written. And the reason for that is that recently I have had to admit to myself that I am not in fact superwoman. Not that I really thought that, I did however, feel that I was very much enpointe of who I am and what I stand for. That partial illusion was smashed along with our surroundings during the onslaught of Cyclone Debbie. What a revelation it has been for me, a bit of a shock if I'm really honest. Let me rewind a little...
Over the past years I have done a lot of personal development, studied all sorts of wonderful things, achieved qualifications in all the things, & put my heart and soul into developing a successful business. Of course while I was doing this I continued doing everything else that I did in everyday life. And even though there have been challenges along the way, I continued flying through, working out what worked best and what I needed to let go. Everything was honkey dorey!
I think for me it all started to get a bit off track about twelve months ago when my Dad took ill and we were informed that there was nothing more that could be done to improve his condition. Now I have never been one for doom and gloom - I'm certainly not saying that I don't have those crappy days where you just feel the whole world is against you - I was devastated by the news, but I have always tended to look for the good in every situation (a trait I got from my Dad). However with this curve ball, there was no positive outcome, and even worse, I couldn't fix it.
Being the eldest, the daughter, the nurse, and the optimistic one of the family I took on as much as possible to make things easier for everyone else. I believed that it was my responsibility to take on these roles and it just sort of went from there. The reality is though that whilst looking after everyone else, I neglected to look after myself properly. And of course as we all know, this will catch up with you in the end... and it has.
As a result, I have carried much sadness and guilt since then and with working as much as I have been, taking on even more, I seemed to let the things that were part of my daily rituals, the things that fed my soul, that made me feel good and set me up for the day ahead, lapse until I was only meditating, journaling, doing my gratitudes amongst others things every now and then. Oh dear!!!! Then came Cyclone Debbie....
The CATALYST that made me come to the realisation
............... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
With the cyclone came much devastation to our community and surrounds. For me personally it was predominately garden and surrounding bushland that was damaged... and I am truly grateful we were safe as was our home. With the stripping of the foliage, it was almost as if my defences were stripped away as well. I found myself to be extremely emotional, especially when looking at the destruction of nature around me. Logically I knew it would recover, but it seemed something deeper for me. All sorts of emotions started to surface. Again.. oh dear!!
I started to journal again, and upon looking back over my entries for the past month, I was obviously building towards my own internal cyclone. There was a lot of sadness, guilt, confusion, frustration, doubt and anger coming through in those entries...
........... REALISATION ... I HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION
The question I asked myself was 'Do I want to continue feeling this way or do I want to reconnect with my true AUTHENTIC self?'
Well it was a no-brainer right? Not quite, I still thought to myself this will pass, I can do this, I'll be right because I'm a strong, resilient woman. You know what, sometimes we will tell ourselves ANYTHING to avoid the one thing it is that WE DO NEED.... a HELPING HAND.
The funny thing is, people kept asking if I was okay... Oh yes I'd say, I have my days you know... Phhhhtttt!
So I did some work, started journalling and meditating again and of course giving gratitude. Looking at the positives in otherwise horrible situations. My father's death.... the positive was a reconnection with his side of the family, which has been lovely; the cyclone, obviously blowing off the build up of 'debris' I had allowed to consume me rather than dealing with it all in a resourceful manner. And you know what, I feel a great inner peace that I have allowed myself to step into and reveal that vulnerable side. And I have done some healing work which has also allowed for me to be okay and accept sitting with the uncomfortable feelings that have now presented themselves ready to be dealt with, which of course will allow me to reconnect with my core.
As women, we do tend to take on so many things. We become everything to everyone important to us, and more, we do so much and often neglect ourselves in the doing. We carry with us things from our childhood which at the time served and protected us, and had us making decisions about ourselves that we have then carried as a deep belief about ourselves... many of these childhood beliefs of course are unfounded, as they were merely an opinion we made up at the time. We carry them into adulthood and we rarely challenge them... until we decide that we must challenge them because they are limiting us in what we want and can achieve in life. And here's the thing until those unresourceful beliefs are challenged and changed, they will keep playing out in our lives.
And so it is my journey I embark on now to get myself clear, refocus on what is important, be who I need to be, and to do what I need to do. I don't believe I am alone in these self-discoveries, and I trust that by sharing some of my journey with you that it may help any one else that is experiencing the same things.
It is an exciting time and I look forward to new discoveries, insights, adventures and filling my cup.
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